@ScottFilmCritic

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

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@bobvulfov

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

@agathagotstoned

A coffee table book, but it’s just pictures of me being forcibly awakened by the employees of various mattress stores across the country.

@BlairLoudly

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

@AaronFullerton

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

@jonnysun

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

@jonnysun

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

@ComedyAndTruth

Hello it’s 911, what’s your emergency?” “Two boys are fighting over me” What is the problem with it? “The ugly one is winning.”

@T_N_Crumpets

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure