Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
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Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.