Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
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Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Any refunds available?…
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Software Development ⛵️
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook