Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

@ candidates for local office

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

meanwhile over on facebook

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one