Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
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Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?