Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

Artwork by Herta Burbe

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you