Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost

marriage counselor: what. where is he

wife: he’s probably trying to come in…

[sound of someone running straight into the door]

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.