Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
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Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.