Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
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What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad