Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
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It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
The most accurate map ever devised.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.