Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

I don’t think my car can fly

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

Breaking news:

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.