Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

i would wish you the best but i am the best

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.