whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
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[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
But wait…
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.