whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
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My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet