whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
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You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Goodnight 🐶
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat