Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

gentlemen, hear me out

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap