Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Eating for two.

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!