“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
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Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
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