Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

more water

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

no their not

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.