Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
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“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.