Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
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In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
grandparents are too precious for this world
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.