Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
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doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.