Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
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Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
OH. COME. ON.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.