Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
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“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!