Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
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boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.