Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
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Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”