@KrunkedRobot

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

@SofieHagen

So far 0% of white men in suits find it it funny when I lean in and whisper ‘scary costume’.

@iGreenBabe

Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I’ve never met, and Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know.

@PaperWash

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

@Nahdude83

*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*

*punches watermelon*

“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”

*slams hands down*

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”

@withanewname

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

@NicestHippo

[god to lions]
You will be the symbol of power and prestige
[sees the crickets]
Ew. Uh…you guys just yell real loud when a comedian bombs

@MattBellassai

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

@EJGomez

LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand
LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand
JUDGE: damn lol