Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
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*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
If a snake ate a cake
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Basically.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first