Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
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My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.