Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
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[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers