Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
You Might Also Like
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.