Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
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I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Look, a pure bread cat!
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.