Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
You Might Also Like
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
his wife is probably gonna see that
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Siri, fight Alexa.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
reduce, reuse, recycle
