Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

Now this is how you LinkedIn

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!