Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

This meeting could have been a cake

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.