Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
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“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
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Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?