[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
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“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
adam and eve had first world problems
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.