Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.