Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

i think my razor is having a panic attack

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…

Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.