[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

You Might Also Like


Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.


Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.


Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*


Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.


COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me


My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me


Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*


Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty


ME: What’s the capital of Germany?


ME: So college is a no then?!