@TheToddWilliams

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

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@JllyJllyFish

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

@Julian_Deane

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

@thedad

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

@funnol

sure you can PAY for a professional photographer, OR you can just lie spread out in a field until 1 finds u and just starts taking pictures

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

Her: C’mon, lets dance!

Me: Ugh, ok…one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*

@samalmightysam

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

@Brianhopecomedy

Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that’s not a good tweet but I’m getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.

@wendybeth_

Why do we have 52,455,865 pictures of Grandma?

-my future grandchildren probably

@JustMeTurtle

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

@psybermonkey

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”