[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
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Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes