Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

My circle of trust is a meatball

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety