Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no