[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
You Might Also Like
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking