Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”