whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
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I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”
You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead