Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
