Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me when I’m ovulating
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.