Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?