@HatfieldAnne

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

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@OllyiConic

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

@Marlebean

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

@discpixx

ok say we get the vaccine. what if coronavirus gets a gun. then what

@suecorvette

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

@ericonederful

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

@JasonLastname

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

@DorsaAmir

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

@ZachXJ

Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, “Don’t tell my mom.”