Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

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genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you


wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!


They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale


ok say we get the vaccine. what if coronavirus gets a gun. then what


if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years


Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.


First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.


Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.


Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, “Don’t tell my mom.”