Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
You have been warned.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.