genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!
-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
ok say we get the vaccine. what if coronavirus gets a gun. then what
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
My personality is best known for putting the pro in unapproachable
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, “Don’t tell my mom.”