Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.