Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

Pro tip for my good boys out there

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox