Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
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INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
don’t we all
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.