Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

Taking phone security to the next level.