Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
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earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️