Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
How many? 🤔
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
🚲+physics = winner
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
