Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
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I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Still my favourite meme.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*