Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
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Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
WHO DID THIS?
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Go gym
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?