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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Only you can prevent podcasts
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Last-minute gift idea!
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so