Whoops
You Might Also Like
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
💀💀
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.