Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.