Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

*puts my mental health in rice

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.