whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
You Might Also Like
Warm pools make me nervous.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.