whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
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When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.