“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
You Might Also Like
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I saw this ending much differently.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”