“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”![]()
You Might Also Like
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
![]()
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down