“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
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I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
🤣😂🤣😂
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
do horses think humans are hats
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.