Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

Kidney stones? Hard pass

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again