Who’s drunk
*raises leg
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Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”