Who’s drunk
*raises leg
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I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
This sounds bad:
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.