Who’s drunk
*raises leg
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My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
What if the weather talks about us?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
What my back needs