who’s gonna tell her?
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“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
#Caturday
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.