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WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
we all know this pain all too well
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
just pretend nothing happened
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
That’s what I call a flat tire
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly