who’s gonna tell her?
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I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
A short story about romance.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol