When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
You Might Also Like
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.