Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Who’s idea was it to package scissors in a package what requires scissors to open.
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[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me
Very relieved towels can’t get pregnant.
me: mom i like this person from twitter
mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[end credits roll]
“I did not see that coming”
“Dude that was titanic”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I didn’t see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I’m the only one with brown eyes in the family
Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.