@RobertJrDowney

Who’s idea was it to package scissors in a package what requires scissors to open.

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@RodLacroix

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

@87bidi

[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me

@avxlanche

me: mom i like this person from twitter

mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD

@Laser_Cat

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

@Dani_Feld

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

@This_Josh_guy

[end credits roll]

“I did not see that coming”

“Dude that was titanic”

@6thgrade4ever

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

@poizngrl

I didn’t see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I’m the only one with brown eyes in the family

@patnelke

Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.