Who’s ready for Friday?!
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I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Saturday
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.