Who’s ready for Friday?!
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Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”