Who’s ready for Friday?!
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Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.