@Calvinn_Hobbes

Who’s ready for Friday?!

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@realHamOnWry

Autocorrect just changed cycle-path to psychopath and now my blind date doesn’t want to meet me in the park.

@crunchenhanced

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

@nappydolemite

Life is short. Hug your children. Hug your neighbor’s children. Hug the pretty cashier at the dry cleaner. Hug the arresting officer.

@CroweJam

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

@IncrediblyRich

Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.

@Death_Buddy

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

@Dallani

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it