@Calvinn_Hobbes

Who’s ready for Friday?!

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@GoldenSpirals

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

@IamSoffWilliams

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

@InternetHippo

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

@JohnnyBerchtold

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

@dadthatwrites

life insurance is cool because for a small monthly fee you can be worth more dead than alive. and your family knows it.

@Super_Cynthia

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

@ieatanddrink

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with