Autocorrect just changed cycle-path to psychopath and now my blind date doesn’t want to meet me in the park.
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*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Life is short. Hug your children. Hug your neighbor’s children. Hug the pretty cashier at the dry cleaner. Hug the arresting officer.
Roasting nuts. Who’s next?
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
“The book was way better” – hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth
Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Van Halen: sings a song
Car Halen: sings a less roomy song
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person
I don’t like to talk about it